in retrospect

2007-03-08T19:44:00.000Z

after seeing jan jie's blog, i decided it's time to move. and im moving to wordpress. i love blogging, i love sharing what i think, but sometimes i want to share some of the moreprivatethoughts with selected people. i love the idea of being able to protect selected private posts that i have. :) so, after exploring wordpress, i decided im moving!

2007-03-07T22:49:00.000Z

Pain, it comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain, the normal pains that we live with everyday. Then there's the kind of pain you can't ignore. A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else; makes the rest of your world fade away until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us. Pain. We anaesthetize, ride it out, embrace it, ignore it.. and for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more.

you know when you get to this point where you feel - "this pain, i can ignore."

because you find strength somewhere else.

i've got a number, but i think i will go in person.

2007-03-07T16:53:00.001Z

im so sleeeepy. i got back home last night at 1am. well not last night, this morning. so i skipped the first lecture, because it was a silly lecture "What does a gastroenterologist do". im sure i didnt miss much.

anyway after class&gym, i was sitting at starbucks enjoying my drink and muffin and waiting for 2 o'clock to come so i could go watch some badminton and i attempted to do some reading, but i got bored and decided to call john! im so glad i did :) he always makes me laugh. silly boy get well soon!

ahhhh im tired!! how am i going to keep awake for my tutorial at 7pm later!!

2007-03-07T16:47:00.000Z

3 of us @ the musical. it was not bad considering the crew only had 24 hours to prepare! but it was the weirdest musical i've ever seen. about a plant that ate humans, and it had a very sad ending :(

louise, renie, max, yiang & i hiding at the stairway (the living room was TOO crowded)

With the birthday girl!

2007-03-06T13:54:00.000Z

now playing - you gotta be.

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

2007-03-06T13:51:00.000Z

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.

Fear of failure,
fear of rejection,
sometimes the fear is just of making a decision,
because what if you're wrong?
What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?

The early bird catches the worm.
A stitch in time saves nine.
He who hesitates is lost.

We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.

Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.
We have to make our own mistakes.
We have to learn our own lessons.
We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore....

Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

2007-03-05T22:02:00.000Z

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away."

2007-03-05T19:04:00.000Z

it's going to be a busybusy week! :)

varsha's musical tomorrow & jess's birthday gathering after.
watching the boys play against dundee this wed & my last late night tutorial (speaking of which, i have to get my first draft of my assignment done by wed!)
long day on thurs. (and i have to get my ILA tutorial done by then)
loads of classes on fri & meeting my mentor during lunch.
AND it's off to brummieland!! cant wait for the weekend!!

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days,
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days,
Saturday, what a day,
Rockin all week with you.

Hello sunshine, goodbye rain!

i am so looking forward to watching the All England this fri&sat. brummieland here i come! ken is here to play and has brought me MILO PACKETS! it's always nice to see a familiar face :) and laura will be going home this weekend as well, hopefully i'll bump into her at bullring or something :)

i like being busy :)

ohlala, gonna get some work done & then im gonna pop by rach's room! grey's anatomy tonight!! :D

p.s. this is very random, but if anyone is afraid of giving presentations, i've got a tip for you (thanks to david)! just imagine everyone in their underwear. hahahaha.

2007-03-04T19:35:00.000Z

spent the whole afternoon at the English Institute of Sport playing badminton today. it was some competition organised by the chinese society. it was interesting, reminded me a little of interschool competition last time. anyhoos i didn't know anyone other than david and peter (peter got david and i to help represent the chinese society team) but it wasnt too bad cuz everyone was so friendly. and it was weird speaking mandarin again, but everyone said my spoken mandarin is very good hehehe. and now peter and david are in charge of teaching me cantonese and i have to teach david mandarin.

ended really late and dinner at ranmoor was over already so peter invited both of us to his place for dinner and i was very pleased because he is such a GREAT cook. i had TEN pieces of tang yuan and OHMEOHMY i didnt realise how much that would fill me up, i had to pop two into david's bowl. and and and! peter had FUJI APPLES!!!! :D :D :D i havent had fuji apples since i last went home in december. my favourite fruit in the wholewideworld. :D

david and i were both agreeing how nice peter is, he's really kind and he's like an uncle to us. peter was telling me to go get a german boyfriend cuz germans are apparently the best people to date. hahaha. well lets see.

2007-03-04T10:29:00.000Z

haha my sister is so cute

"unless yr name is kimberley/elspeth/elaine, ahboy's too busy to talk to u"

boy, does she know how to prioritise!

anyway you know how sometimes when you have so many options you just wish you had none. yet when you have none you wish you had options? argh. headache.

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

2007-03-04T00:27:00.000Z

i just keeping thinking about the movie Hitch. and that very phrase

"Life is not the amount of breaths you take,
it's the moments that take your breath away."

2007-03-03T23:50:00.000Z

it's been an AMAZING day. it's been quite a while since i've actually felt genuinely happy, like happy on cloud nine happy :)

peter came to pick me up to go to his place to have homemade dumplings. oooh they tasted SO GOOD, i even had a packet to take back home for dinner. and then he dropped david and i at badminton training, where again i had a great time!

joe's so funny. he is like 1.9m i think and i was partnering him for doubles and when he was standing in front i shouted "JOE I CANT SEE!!"

and he replied.

"OPEN YOUR EYES!!!"

hahaha and i couldnt stop laughing i missed a shot :S

anyhooos, AJ asked if i had been going to the gym cuz i seem to have gotten stronger judging on my smashes. :D teehee. now that he has mentioned i realise that is quite true! gym is good :) weights is good :)

rushed back, met alex for hotchocolate. oh yum :) and we walked past endcliffe park which was lovely. it's not as pretty and made up as the botanical gardens but i loved the pond and the ducks and watching people feed the ducks. and that stream that runs across the park. it was nice :) and there were swings!! then it was my virgin trip to hunters bar and ecclesall area. i quite like the place!

then it was dinner at nandos to celebrate jess's belated birthday! then the 6 of us, had girly fun, trudging back to ranmoor in the cold singing random songs. it was fun :D came back and snuggled in varsha's room to watch Hitch on dvd.

and then i remembered that there was a lunar eclipse tonight cuz alex had mentioned it to me earlier on. so halfway through Hitch we popped outside in the cold to stare at the red mood. it was quite amazing!

awwww yiang did that for me and i FEEL LOVED!!!!!

2007-03-01T20:49:00.000Z

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

now playing, drops of jupiter.
i love the lyrics, i love the song.

2007-03-01T20:01:00.000Z

there are four things you can never recover

the stone after the throw
the word after it's said
the occassion after the loss
the time after it's gone

"I gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience
in which I must stop and look fear in the face.
I say to myself, I've lived through this
and can take the next thing that comes along.
We must do the things that we think we cannot do."

~Eleanor Roosevelt

2007-03-01T13:23:00.000Z

ouch :(

max knew how big the biopsy needle would be but he didn't tell me earlier because he didn't want to scare me. it's HUGE.

and now my neck is sore and just checked, it's still bleeding from that tiny hole.

anyway it was scary being the patient. now i know how it feels like to have 3 pairs of eyes staring at you, and your neck. when i go back for my placement at the hospital tomorrow i will keep that in mind.

while doing the ultrasound, the SHO found more lymph nodes on the right side of my neck which i have not noticed before. i asked the consultant when he came in later, if it was normal to have that many lymph nodes, and he said it wasn't to have as many lymph nodes as i did, especially someone my age. so we went ahead did the biopsy. had a needle in for local anaesthesia and then came the big needle :( :( :( the biggest needle and stringe i've ever seen in my whole life.

owellll and because i've been at the hospital for two weeks working alongside doctors and nurses, i know what's it like when doctors don't tell patients everything. so even though the two doctors were really kind (they knew i was a medical student) and answered a lot of my queries and told me not to worry, i couldn't help but wonder if they knew/suspected what's wrong with me but just didn't want to say. but i can understand that they probably thought it was best that we wait for the biopsy results.

more waiting now.

i had actually brought my gym clothes out with me thinking i could go to the gym for a workout after my appointment at the hospital, but didn't realise how uncomfortable my neck would be after the biopsy. silly me. but im very happy cuz i had meatball sandwich at subway and treated myself to Pocky from the Asian grocery :) so my tummy is very satisfied now.

dave called to ask how my checkup went and he suspected i was very upset. i don't know whether i am upset or not actually. it's upsetting hearing that i've got more swollen lymph nodes that i hadnt been aware of around my neck and clearly that is not normal, and probably not a great sign either but i don't know, it doesn't really matter - if you know what i mean. if something bad is going to happen it's going to happen, being all upset and depressed over something i cannot control is not going to do myself any good. i just really hope maybe they will go away on their own, but perhaps that is just wishful thinking on my part.

meanwhile, i still have a life to live!

now off to.. bum around my room. ciao!

2007-02-28T19:45:00.000Z

today i saw a "do not attempt to resuscitate" form being signed. he didnt want to get his feet amputated despite knowing the complications of gangrene. he said if he was going to die, he was going to die. he is 94. and his wife and his son are no longer around. i almost cried when he said he didnt have anything left to live for :(

if you don't know what gangrene is, this is it.

in fact his feet looked like they were in a worse condition.
not a pretty sight really.

and Parkinson's disease. i never want to get Parkinson's. *touchwood*

well, elderly ward isnt all that depressing really. i mean most of them have quite bad illnesses and poor prognosis. but you do meet really cheery and optimistic elderly patients who just make you feel good and happy you can do your bit to help them. this man had a million problems but as i was taking his history and chatting with him, he told me "it's just part of life, you grow old" and it made me think, how lucky it would be if i could grow old and not have any health problems. but im glad he thought of it that way. he said, it doesnt matter what problems he has, as long as he wakes up everyday and say "it's going to be a great day". at least he is happy.

you know, i guess that's what is important. life may throw all sorts of challenges and rubbish at you, and life will always seem unfair, yet somehow you can still see the lighter side of life and still manage to be happy and be thankful for the good things life can bring/has brought you.

it's been quite a long day. 9 hours on my feet at the hospital. but i've learnt so much, not just medically, but spiritually as well. and i've again been reminded of the sort of person and doctor i want to be.

2007-02-28T07:55:00.000Z

do you sometimes wake up from a night's sleep feeling more tired than when you had gone to bed? it's sooooo weird i dreamt that i had not slept the whole night - maybe that's why i feel tired.

anyway, gotta go !

2007-02-27T20:43:00.000Z

ARGH I CANT BELIEVE IT.

im so blur.

i went down at 7pm for handball training, realised it's not on so i came back home. just checked my email and training is at 8pm!!!!!!!

:( :( :( :( :( :( :(

and i've just showered.

much sadness is me.

2007-02-27T14:47:00.000Z

"hospitals by large aren't very happy places."

it made me very sad looking at patients with extreme dementia.
physically here, but mentally gone. and there is absolutely nothing that can be done..

anyway, im going to play handball tonightt!! :D

2007-02-26T21:17:00.000Z

i dont know why i suddenly remembered zhiwen's poem that he wrote when we were in sec 3. i remember how i loved it, and begged him to print out his poem for me - which he did. i just suddenly feel like i can relate to the poem now. im the clown.

2007-02-26T17:26:00.000Z

this morning we had a lecture on elite doctors and foundations stones. it wasn't particularly exciting, but it intrigued my mind.

proactive or reactive? which one would you consider yourself to be.
do you ask why things went wrong when they do? or ask how do you prevent things from going wrong when they do go wrong, and how to improve the situation?

i think it's important that we are once in a while reminded of what is important to us and how to prioritise and remain driven.

came back home in the afternoon and saw 2 emails from daddy. daddy asked if i wanted to go back for easter for consultation. i was quite surprised actually when i saw his email. my parents are worried, so am i, but i think i won't go back home. besides it wouldn't make a difference, i will still see a doctor around the same time because i have a specialist's appointment in easter and if i flew back just to see a doctor it would be a waste of money especially since i already have an appointment. besides, it's free to see a doctor here. so i guess depending on the results of my ultrasound and biopsy, i may or may not fly home after that depending on whether i need any treatment or not (touchwood!)

i wish someone was here with me though, i really don't want to go to the hospital on my own this thursday.

2007-02-24T19:16:00.000Z

i love the temptations :)
now playing - my girl.

i've been watching scrubs with rachel the past two days. sometimes it's full of rubbish, but sometimes it's really meaningful. especially that last episode i watched.

"nothing worth having comes easy"

i won't forget.

2007-02-23T18:23:00.000Z

Shoe is on the hand that fits, that's all there really is to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, but it's all right
Every silver linings got a touch of grey
kinda suits you anyway

i will blog later.

2007-02-23T17:06:00.000Z

photos from wednesday when sheng was over! oooh krispy kreme :) the girls were so pleased when i came back from birmingham. varsha didnt even know they had krispy kreme in birmingham hehe.
shopping on wednesday! i bought a hat! (but not that one in the picture :D)

sheng and i. at the town hall. at the bus stop.

at the annexe. random road photos. and sheng in town.

varsha laura and me in my room.

sheng and i. nat, rach, laura, varsha, me and jess.

we went to watch a play at night! it was put up by the medics, i thought it was pretty good, original and funny. miss congenital abnormality. hee.

2007-02-20T22:27:00.000Z

neurosis and character disorders are two disorders of responsibility. the neurotic assumes too much responsibility; the person with a character disorder not enough. when neurotics are in conflict with the world they automatically assume that they are at fault. when those with character disorders are in conflict with the world they automatically assume that the world is at fault.

few of us can escape being neurotic or character disordered to at least some degree.

are you the neurotic or the character disordered?

2007-02-20T22:24:00.001Z

i travelled down to brummieland (birmingham) today.

to meet....... SHENG!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

and we went to bullring
to get a picture with the bull.
im just kidding :D we went shopping, it's one of the biggest malls in uk.

and he's coming up to sheffield tomorrow! yayness!!

2007-02-18T11:33:00.000Z

for the first time since i got to sheffield, i ran outside in the cold this morning. it was freezing initially but it was nice change, to run in the fresh air. but ohboy, the slopes almost killed me.

im reading the singapore budget now - and recalling all my econs :D

anyway happy cny everyone! :)

2007-02-16T16:36:00.000Z

i went to see an ENT specialist today. it wasn't part of my clinical attachment, it was an appointment that took me ages to get. i remember just a week ago i'd be in tears just thinking about the lumps on my neck and scaring myself (& dave) to death with all sorts of silly thoughts. and i was so sad and depressed and worried and i hated it that i didnt know what was wrong with me and it was taking ages for the doctor to see me and get my tests done.

but i realised im not that scared anymore. even when i went to the doctor today and he mentioned "lymphoma" and "laryngeal sarcoma". i was like "oh okay, that's very nice of you doctor to scare me with cancer thoughts without explaining to me what on earth is lymphoma and laryngeal sarcoma (maybe he knew i was a medical student that's why he assumed i knew what he was talking about)" but i was alright. perhaps cuz i've already scared myself enough, and there is no point scaring myself any further before knowing what's really wrong with me. and honestly, whatever the outcome, i'll take it as it comes. maybe there is nothing wrong with me!

and well while waiting for the scope, i had chat with a nice old gentleman who came to visit the doctor for a ear checkup. apparently he was told 2 weeks ago he had to wait two years for an appointment! (IM NOT KIDDING, TWOlongYEARS! that's how horridly long the wait is, how inefficient everything is, i really miss how everything is so efficient in singapore, anyway i digressed..) but he got lucky and got an appointment today and he was really sweet, he asked me what i was at the clinic for (cuz most of the patients there were senior citizens) and when i told him he said he really hopes everything will be fine with me, and he said it so earnestly i felt like giving him a nice hug. but i didnt of course. okay i digressed again.

so basically i got a scope up my nose & down my throat today. it was horrid, i dont ever want tubes going up my nose ever again. i mean it wasn't painful or anything but just imagine, a tube going up your nose :S it made me tear, i dont know, some sort of reflex action i guess. and i had to keep breathing through my mouth cuz if i breathed through my nose i'd steam up the lens on the camera and everything goes blur.

anyway despite how uncomfortable was, i was really excited (i know i am weird), because we had just finished the module on our respiratory system, and it was interesting to see the inside of my respiratory tube on the screen and see my conchae and meatus and my own voice box and see it move when i say "eeeee" and "ahhhhhh". i mean we've seen videos and pictures but it's not the same you know..

well all is normal on the inside. so now, i've got to go for a ultra sound and a biopsy. the doctor put urgent and the nurse said i'd prob get an appointment in... two weeks.

so. more waiting.

honestly, these 3 weeks are intensive clinical experience (ICE) weeks and im getting more than what i asked for.

im glad the weekend is here. i really need a break cuz im so tired. but i really wish i was a qualified doctor now, i had such a great time in the maternity wards. and today i got a treat from a consultant! he said since i was so enthusiastic he'd bring me around and teach me more, so i really learnt a lot today :D

2007-02-15T15:22:00.000Z

ah, my sister is an angel.

and all newborn babies are cute. not such thing as an ugly baby. i want a baby now :(
those cute little things. gooogooogaagaa. (butidontwanttogivebirth)
and im knackered.
TIME TO NAP!!

be still my stubborn heart.

2007-02-14T21:23:00.000Z

Doing everything that I believe in
Going by the rules that I've been taught
More understanding of what's around me
And protected from the walls of love

All that you see is me
And all I truly believe

That I was born to try
I've learned to love
Be understanding
And believe in life
But you've got to make choices
Be wrong or right
Sometimes you've got to sacrifice the things you like

But I was born to try

2007-02-14T19:22:00.000Z

when someone asks, in a very simple manner,
"i want you, do you want me too?"
it's a whole lot harder to answer cuz i don't really know what to say.

2007-02-14T19:05:00.000Z

i think all mummys are brave. i saw a cesarean today. ohmymomma. ouch :(
and that needle that they stick into her spine. i saw how long it was and i went O_0

probably
____________________________________________________

as long as that line. (in fact, a few cm longer!)
i'd never ever want a cesarean.
ow ow ow.

and i can't imagine a natural delivery. if i needed epidural. the needle is equally long. ow. and the tear down there, OW OW OW. and i dont want anyone sticking catheters up me. :( maybe i should marry a gynae, and he can do all that for me.

but maybe i don't want babies afterall.
:(

but, when the baby cried after the doctor took her out from the womb. that sound, you wont believe it, it really is the most beautiful sound in the world. the sound of life.

2007-02-13T17:00:00.000Z

here i am enjoying cadbury roses chocolates (given to me for my birthday) and feeling extremely exhausted but very contented and happy.

i had a great day at the wards. especially since i've been assigned to the maternity ward and i get to see women and babies. took histories, took vital signs like a million times, collected blood from the blood bank, watched a blood tranfusion, felt women's tummy and learnt how to feel whether the uterus was contracting the right way or not, learnt a lot of new obstetrics and gynecology terms. tomorrow im going to see a Cesarean. (: and because i will be in scrubs, i wont have to wear my white coat, yes! -punches fist in the air-

i really had a great time, it's good to feel respected and treated like a professional, even though im a year one medical student, nurses and doctors were so kind and patient and answered and explained whenever i had questions.

i love it, with every patient i meet, i'm reminded why i really want to be a doctor.

2007-02-12T18:42:00.000Z

not too looking forward to waking up at 545am tomorrow, have to report to the hospital at 7am for my attachment. but i AM looking forward to the attachment! :)

2007-02-11T23:50:00.000Z

last night.

laura&i. dave&i

laura. me&redwine. dave&laura.

me being camarashy. alex philipp raymond. (another)alex jeremy lucas.

philipp insisted my camaraflash was too bright. but he looks cute with squinted eyes. teehee.

it was the first time i've EVER seen raymond dance since i got to know him last september. was nice :) seeing him dance on my birthday party!

laura&alex&me.

zoey. jess. rachel. isaac. nitin.

and.. pictures from.. today!

2007-02-11T22:16:00.000Z

probably the most eventful birthday. started off with a lot of fun then came the drama-mama. went to bed hoping things will be better when i wake up. then milk got spilt on me at brunch. and then i thought, ohmygawd its my birthday and everything is going wrong. but im glad i got to spend my afternoon nice and quiet with good company - i baked fudge brownies, and had a nice dinner cooked for me in return :) and i came back and i had a cake waiting for me :)

embrace each day.
laugh often.
smile like you mean it.
seek your own style.
think your own way.
dance. dream. believe in how strong you are.
trust your gut.
be unique.
be sweet.
be sassy.
be yourself.

thank you cui brandon yongsheng weiqi pebbles hui renie john yc smalljiejie huiwen jie chloe alvin bernard guojian kaiting yan aj raymond van and all who remembered my birthday (:

p.s. sorry kaiting i dont think i got your sms!! if not i would have replied.
p.p.s if anyone else msged me and i didnt reply, it only means i didnt get them!

2007-02-11T01:37:00.001Z

2007-02-11T01:22:00.000Z

happy birthday to me.

2007-02-10T16:49:00.000Z

THIS. is my song today.

Im not a girl
Not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While Im in between

But if you look at me closely
You will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find her way

2007-02-10T14:02:00.000Z

"so how are you feeling, on the threshold of something great?"
cant believe it. my last day as a teenager!
i should do something teenager-ish today.

2007-02-10T10:57:00.000Z

now i finally understand that Channel News Asia's advertisement. The one about somewhere in the world a butterfly flapping it's wing and how somewhere else it has set off a storm.

it's about the Chaos Theory!

Just a small change in the initial conditions can drastically change the long-term behaviour of a system.

"The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does." - Ian Stewart

2007-02-10T10:32:00.000Z

gooooooodmorning!
i am very sad because it is raining and my little plan to make a snowman is gonna fail cuz all the snow will be slushy. and i've got a very painful knee :(

2007-02-09T20:20:00.000Z

i fell and laura fell on top of me. it was quite funny. and i did some iceskating with mygriplessboots. had to hold isaac and laura so i didnt fall. excitinggggg.

i cant believe that giant snowball missed isaac. HA.

tomorrow morning im gonna make a snowman (hopefully the snow will all still be there!)

2007-02-09T17:36:00.000Z

remember in social studies we had a case study on the nhs in uk and how people were complaining how they had to wait for so long to get appointments & results? well, now i know, it is that bad.

it's been two weeks and i still havent got a clue.
it's just, frustrating.

thinkhappythoughts.thinkhappythoughts.

(:
it's been snowing all day.
and yes, i had a wonderful time at starbucks.

2007-02-08T19:57:00.000Z

Life.
It isn't about finding yourself,
it's about choosing who you want to be.

2007-02-08T19:37:00.000Z

trish and i.

it's been snowing since morning. it's been lovely.

that is, until i had to stand out in the cold for 45minutes because my patient wasn't home. and i had to wait another 30 minutes in the snow for the bus to come. and then i had to trudge home in the cold. (i couldnt feel my feet by the time i was home, honestly, freeeezing!) still.. despite all the complains, snow is really beautiful.

and now im feeling a bit sick. RAH. hope i haven't caught the cold or anything. im gonna have an early night tonight! (yay don't have to wake up early tomorrow morning!)

2007-02-07T23:04:00.000Z

birthday cakes, presents, cards and friends. it was fun, despite how my hair caught fire while i was trying to blow the candles out.

im tired now, goodnight!

2007-02-07T19:01:00.000Z

maybe the whole purpose of this is to train me to be more patient and learn how to wait. to take things as they come. and it could be a good thing.

so again, i wait.

2007-02-07T18:45:00.000Z

BABY THANK YOU FOR YOUR LETTER AND YOUR PRESENT!!!!!
(: (: (: (: (:
i was so happy when i saw the envelope in the pigeon hole. i knew it was from you! (i recognise your baby scribbling -wink) (:

p.s. i LOVE the pendent, it's so pweeeeetty!!

2007-02-06T22:06:00.000Z

you'll remember me when the west wind moves
among the fields of barley
you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
when we walked in fields of gold

2007-02-06T21:59:00.000Z

Life is difficult. Once we truly understand and accept it, life is then no longer difficult. Because, once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. Sometimes we moan as if life should be easy. I know about this moaning because i have done my share. Life poses an endless series of problems, and is full of pain, but..

pain magnifies joy.

it's ironic how if the blood test turns out bad, it would mean that everything is okay.

it's been cold these few days, and it might snow tomorrow. perfect weather for hot chocolate, perfect weather to snuggle under the covers. i just made myself a cup of hot chocolate! gonna dive into bed. good night world!

2007-02-05T21:16:00.000Z

Love is too large, too deep ever to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words. Love is mysterious - and one result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one will ever be able to arrive at a truly satisfactory definition of love.

I can't define love. BUT I know I'm loved.

When we love someone our love becomes demonstrable or real only through our exertion - through the fact that for that someone (or for ourself) we take an extra step or walk the extra mile. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful.

Will is the desire of sufficient intensity that it is translated into action. The difference between desire and action is equal to the difference between saying "I would like to go to the gym today" and "I will go to the gym today". Everyone desires to some extent to be loving, yet many are not in fact loving.

The desire to love is not itself love.

Love is as love does.
Love is an act of will.
Will also implies choice.
We do not have to love.
We choose to love.

No matter how much we may think we are loving, if we are in fact not loving, it is because we have chosen not to love and therefore do not love despite our good intentions. But when we do actually exert ourselves, it is because we have chosen to do so. The choice to love has been made.

Love and falling in love is not the same. We do not fall in love with our parents/siblings even though we may love them very deeply. We do not fall in love with our friends (by friends I mean, friends of the same sex, cuz there could be a possibility that we fall in love with a friend of a different sex - unless of course we are homosexually oriented).

The experience of falling in love gives us an illusion that the experience will last forever. This illusion is fostered by the commonly held myth of romantic love, wherein the prince and princess, once united, live happily ever after. The myth of romantic love tells us, in effect, that for every young man in the world there is a young woman who was 'meant for him' and vice versa. And it implies that there is only one man meant for a woman and only one woman for a man and this has been predetermined 'in the stars'.

When we meet the person for whom we are intended, recognition comes through the fact that we fall in love. We have met the person for whom all the heavens intended us, and since the match is perfect, we will then be able to satisfy all of each other's needs forever and ever, and therefore live happily forever after in perfect union and harmony.

Should it come to pass, however, that we do not satisfy or meet all of each other's needs and friction arises and we fall out of love, then it is clear that a dreadful mistake was made, we misread the stars, we did not hook up with our one and only perfect match, what we thought was love was not real or 'true' love, and nothing can be done about the situation except to live unhappily ever after or leave each other.

The myth of romantic love, is a dreadful lie. (Yes, shock, horror. Don't gag, this is coming from me.) Well, at least partially. I still believe that there is one person for me out there. But I just don't believe in falling in love and falling out of love anymore. Cuz if you love someone, you love someone forever. No such thing as I love you one moment, and I don't love you the next. And love is hardwork. (remember? EffortFUL.)

Other than 'falling in love', I realised I've also had a misconception about the dependency of love. I shouldn't love someone because I can't live without that person. That is.. parasitism, not love. When you require someone for your survival, you are a parasite on that person, and that is selfish. There is no choice, and no freedom. It is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.

We all - each and every one of us - even if we try to pretend to others and to ourselves that we don't - have dependency needs and feelings. All of us have desires to be babied, to be cared for by people stronger than us who have our interests truly at heart. No matter how strong we are. But for most of us, these desires or feelings do not rule our lives; they are not the predominant theme of our existance.

I'm generally not a dependent person, but I know I have a dependent side. But at the same time, even though I want to be pampered, and babied, I want to do the same to the person I love. (And we can take turns pampering each other...)
I'm level headed enough to know that the only way to be assured of being loved is to be a person worthy of love, and no one can be a person worthy of love when their primary goal in life is to passively be loved.

Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love.

If you've actually read up till here, good on you, it must have been tough reading through my ramblings. Took me an hour and a half to type all this. Extremely incoherent, disjointed, but you get the drift. But I've been doing a lot of thinking and I just felt like penning it down.

I loved Jeev, and I still do. No one will ever understand why, and there is no need to explain, but if there is one person who does understand, that person can only be him. I won't stop loving him because I didn't fall in love with him and so i can't fall out of love. But we probably have different definitions of love. Remember, it's hard to define love. But someday, somehow, somewhere, hopefully, I will find someone who loves me the same way I love him.

2007-02-05T15:35:00.000Z

i need to gather my thoughts before i type.
be right back, im going to wash my gym clothes.

2007-02-04T16:33:00.000Z

The sky was slowly changing colour, and as i was watching the sun go down, i remember thinking about the brief, flickering moment when day suddenly turns to night. Dusk, I realised then, is just an illusion, because the sun is either above the horizon or just below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are; there cannot be one without the other, yet they cannot exist at the same time.

- Nicholas Spark

i spent most of my afternoon lying on my bed doing nothing, just looking out of the window, watching the blue sky. it's my favourite past time now. the tranquil expanse of sky just makes me feel.. serene. and i dont know how time does it, but it always manages to slip away. too quickly.

i dont want the sun to set.

2007-02-04T16:26:00.000Z

panhypogammaglobulinaemia.

i hope i dont ever need to explain that word to a patient.
reading that word is already giving me a headache!
goodnessgraciousme!!

2007-02-03T20:01:00.000Z

i went down a bit too early to collect my clothes from the washing machine to put in the dryer, i had 15mins to kill and i was too lazy to climb up the stairs to go back to my room so i thought i'd drop by isaac's and see what he's up to. he was busy doing his ssc, so i just sat on his bed and stoned for a bit. then i saw a card pinned up on his board. it said:

The Falling Donkey

Beware the donkey
falling slowly from the sky
you can choose the way you live
but not the way you die.

and i laughed, only because of the picture of the falling donkey that was about to land on a stick man. other than that, the card was more.. meaningful than funny.

then we talked about.. life in general.
it felt good, talking to someone. cuz i felt quite island-nish today.

if you were stranded on an island, and you could only have one person for company, who would that be?

2007-02-03T11:16:00.000Z

this mental torture - i dont want it.
and the person i really want to be there for me, cant be there for me.

But because truly being here is so much; because everything here
apparantly needs us, this fleeting world, which in some strange way
keeps calling to us. Us, the most fleeting of all.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

2007-02-02T19:25:00.000Z

look at that bluebluesky! the weather has been so lovely these few days, which is good (:
i totally forgot that i was going bowling today when i went for my blood test, i should've asked the nurse to withdraw blood from my left arm instead. but still, ooohlala, first time i bowled and scored over a hundred! ha! (:

decided not to go with david to birmingham tomorrow. i will go play badminton instead.
oh and i got my shoes today (: oh and the first thing the nurse said today when she saw me was how she loved my brown boots. teehee, they aren't new i got them in october last year, but im so happy cuz i got them quite cheap.

wed please come soon.

"like a candle in the wind."

2007-02-01T18:32:00.000Z

spending a whole hour in tutorial talking about lung cancer was really.. depressing. (despite how i love my tutorial sessions cuz i learn so much - i really want to be a good doctor) i like my tutor, who is also a surgeon, he was very kind to me today. seika is right, it's harder being a medic.

gonna get the blood test done first thing in the morning, then im going shopping tomorrow after class!!! i think im gonna get my black shoes (: oh and im excited, i got posted to Jessop wing for a week! Gynaecology and Obstetrics! i get to see women and babies a WHOLE week during my attachment! and then after that i'll be at the elderly ward for another week (: i can't wait!

oooh and yingyan sent me my first birthday card this year (: (though 10 days early.. but still!)

2007-01-31T20:55:00.000Z

none of the girls are going out tonight (thankgoodness - corridor should be quiet tonight) hopefully the boys downstairs will be considerate tonight. i probably have to keep my fingers, toes, eyes, and everything else that can be crossed, crossed. what i really want tonight, is a good night's sleep.

today's been.. nerve wracking. if this is a test of my strength, i have to be strong. i want to curl up in my snuggly bed and cuddle my pillow and dream im having mushrooms and scrambled eggs.

i miss... -points at you-

2007-01-31T18:10:00.000Z

i was just sitting in my room munching on wolfberries and working on my ILA. and keng called from thailand! :) i havent heard from him in months, i was in fact just wondering how he was doing yesterday and thought maybe i should drop him a message or call. when things like that happen, i get so happy! i wish all i could do is think of someone and that person will appear in front of me. he really made my day. i remember how i met him in kedah when i was 15, i cant believe how long its been and how he never fails to call me every now and then to check on me (despite how we can never have a proper conversation because we're like ducks and chickens talking to each other).

2007-01-31T16:43:00.000Z

a few more things i need to do.
dave and i should get our med degree like, now.
now i have to wait 2 days and then a few more days and then a few weeks.

all i can do is wait.

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid

2007-01-30T23:09:00.000Z

i wish i knew what was wrong. hopefully i will know tomorrow, hopefully.
im tired but i dont feel like going to bed. i want to see the doctor now.

2007-01-29T20:41:00.000Z

i spent half an hour searching for something that i had hid away so long ago. i couldnt find it and i started to cry. cuz i want it now so badly. and i lost it, i can't find it. it's nothing fancy, it's nothing expensive, but it just brings so much comfort to me.

i still cant find it. where is it?

2007-01-29T18:45:00.000Z

smell the rain and feel the wind.

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you" - - Ralph Waldo Emerson

2007-01-28T15:29:00.000Z

mei when i called home just now i wanted to tell you i lost the pendant on the bracelet but i forgot after i heard your cheery voice!! (and i could hear you laughing in the background while i was talking to mummy.. what so funny about THAT show???) :( realised it was gone while i was having coffee out at starbucks :( and imverysadnow :( did you get yours changed anyway?

2007-01-26T19:16:00.000Z

today isaac, laura and i cooked lunch! thai green curry, chicken and stir fried veggie. then dave came over to join us for lunch (he brought along GOOD CHOCOLATES!!) Mmm YUMMYYY (:

thennnn we went shopping!!! but isaac was the only one who bought anything. well we all did buy something from the 99p shop (officially my favourite shop at the mo!) i bought a packet of digestives. but thats not counted hehe.

now im faced with a problem. just saw the dress code for the hospital attachment. i need flat black shoes for my hospital attachment. i have a pair, but not exacly comfy enough for me to be standing in them for 8 hours :( i kinda like a pair i saw at clarks. HMMM.

2007-01-25T19:25:00.000Z

im intrigued by britain's number one women's magazine. (thanks to rachel)

"when we find that one person who makes us forget our own shortcomings and feels as though we're on a permanent holiday together. then we know we've fallen... deeply. it's rare but when it does arrive, we're left with a giddy sensation - as though we're free to reinvent ourselves in whatever manner we wish." - eric mabius

that's how i felt.

and love is quite simple really. it's a feeling - just like happiness, excitement, nervousness, sadness. you don't know why you feel the way you do, you just do. you feel happy whenever you do something you like. you dont need a reason to like something, do you? it's the same, you just love someone. you dont really need a reason.

but relationships, now they are a totally different thing. unnnfortunately... more complicated.

people who think that relationships are easy are wrong, it's not. it takes a lot of maintenance and alot of communication, sacrifice and giving. it's a hard thing to maintain and you have to keep taking it day by day.

i still believe that love is enough (despite what people say to me - im stubborn in that way) because love drives me; drives me to try make a relationship work and i wont back down till i find a reason, or should i say, a reason finds me.

2007-01-24T22:57:00.000Z

after looking at extremely sensored stuff and laughing at your mama jokes. and laughing some more at i dont know what. im very tired. these people made me very happy (:

im off to bed. GOODNIGHT.

2007-01-24T19:43:00.000Z

philipp is prob one of the few people who asks me all the time what my msn nickname means.

"well i dont know, i like the word "eventually"
i think it's a very patient word
dont you think?"

"yea, its really a nice word"

"yup things happen eventually. the best things in life.. you have to wait (:
right?"

"well, a friend told me yesterday that you wait all ya life and finally you die waiting..."

"erm. okay. haha. well you dont just wait and do nothing you know."

anyway his last line made me laugh so bad. i went to take a quick shower without telling him and there he was rattling on about 'unreflected actionism' theory (i honestly had no idea what he was talking about, he was trying to explain). anyway so he thought i fell asleep cuz i was ignoring him, then he said

"anyway, even if u dont want to speak to me anymore, i'll try to talk to you later"

hahaha i dunno why i thought that sounded so funny..but then again, i laugh at the weirdest stuff. so. ignore me

(:

2007-01-24T16:23:00.000Z

i was asked to interpret this
"Life is all about - you gonna have it or you gonna lose it! Make a choice..."
(grammar aside,) i attempted.
"perhaps it means.. to treasure what you have?"

but malik said it's all about opportunities. well, i guess it's very open to interpretation.

good old britney sings it all
dear diary
i tried to smile but i could hardly breathe.

2007-01-24T14:15:00.000Z

The sunset i get to see everyday from my room (that is if the sky is clear)

And laura loves my pillowcase. haha. probably because it's oooooozing with girlpower haha. i should thank joyce for that (she got that for my 17th birthday! she brought it all the way to rj to give the big pillow to me, you can just imagine all the attention i had in school. haha.) can't believe im turning 20 in less than a month!!

2007-01-24T13:35:00.000Z

tata banana. hahaha im such a genius.

hokay some idiot is blasting his music and i feel like blasting his brains out (sorry for that outburst of violence, of course i wont do that, im just joking, but HONESTLY! they need to learn how to be more considerate.) and the next time james plays his trumpet at any weird hour, i'll confiscate it.

(:

now, back to work.

2007-01-23T21:02:00.000Z

Put your name on the line along with place and time
here's to the night we felt alive

2007-01-23T16:42:00.000Z

if guys put eyeliner in singapore/malaysia - it's gay.
if guys put eyeliner in uk - it's emo.

hahahah isaac is full of crap.

2007-01-22T21:44:00.000Z

im listening to sentimental/sappy/loveydovey songs. i love them yet i hate them at the same time. cuz i wish life could be as simple as a love song despite knowing that that could probably never happen - life is never simple. but hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. (no harm hoping for the best, you never do know what could happen, isn't it?) what i love about these songs, this music - it allows me to dream, something inside that no one can get to, no one can touch it. it makes me smile, it makes me happy and it's mine. that's enough for now.

2007-01-22T16:58:00.000Z

laura and i looking very sleepy at 8 in the morning.

(p.s. those icy walkways are no fun to walk in!! we nearly slipped a dozen times.)

hokay. when something worrying happens, you tend to see things from a different view, lighter view. and i cant believe i forgot my password :/ blame it on my goldfishmemory.

2007-01-21T23:59:00.000Z

it snowed it snowed!!! (:

2007-01-21T10:43:00.000Z

i woke up at half eight to lovelyLOVELYweather! i even thought, hey i might go down to the botanical gardens!

but. after breakfast, it started to rain :(

2007-01-20T20:37:00.000Z

just realised today after i talked to princess over the phone that she had replied my sms but i hadn't got it :( and the same thing happened with jacq, i didn't get her sms either :(

so just in case the same thing happens again...
baby, van, anyone if you wanna contact me, maybe try this number instead:
+44 780 962 3285

hopefully i will get your smses :(

2007-01-20T16:47:00.000Z

i love my sister's emails. they always make me laugh (:
wuv you watts and watts ;)

im so happy. i bought washing powder today. HAHAHAHA.

anyhoos met david for lunch today, and i had a meatball sandwich at subway. (baby! finally! :D ohyes it was yum -smacks lips-) and then he brought me to castle market [which was very exciting BECAUSE i had never been to a marketmarket in sheffield (where they sell meat/fruit/veg etcetc) and i realise i actually like markets!] because he needed to buy chicken breast. now i know where to get cheap meat and cheap eggs and cheap salmon etc.

then we went to the one pound shop which i absolutely love cuz everything is a pound. (duh) and THAT was where i bought my washing powder (: along with maltesers and 4packs of chewing gum. yum!

and again, for the first time, i went to argos! it was interesting, shopping from a catalog..

went to more random shops, did more random shopping. i bought.. 20 greeting cards. (they were on sale!) and now im back and im tired and hungryy and im gonna knock on laura and isaac's door to get them to go for dinner with meeeeeeeeee.

2007-01-20T11:41:00.000Z

i love the crisp fresh cold air.

anyway, you know sometimes you go out and you feel like you've forgotten something but you can't quite put your finger to it? i hate it when that happens to me, cuz it definitely means i forgotten something.

i had that feeling today when i went out in the morning to the gym.

and guess what i forgot.

my bath towel :/

anyhoooos i have a lunch date. so. gotta run. tataa!

2007-01-19T15:46:00.000Z

ohyes, as i was walking to currys, i thought i smelt ba-kua. but of course it wasnt, but i couldnt figure out what that smell was :/

2007-01-19T15:38:00.000Z

i realise, i do get quite a decent view of the sunset from my room window. anyhows, today the sun was out and it was absolutely lovely. trotted down to town on my own with a mission - to buy my printer. i've been wanting to get one for ages, just never got down to getting one. the sales lady was lovely, she gave me a discount of 10 pounds (: and she gave me free paper.

thought i'd be ambitious to go shopping after, but realised, i had underestimated how heavy the printer AND paper were. (the pack of paper was as heavy as the printer!) so. i ATTEMPTED to go shopping. i ended up buying... clothes hangers. hahahah. well it was quite an achievement really, to walk from currys to wilkinsons with those two heavy bags (: -pat on my shoulder-

now, i have to figure out how to set this big printer up.

2007-01-18T18:26:00.000Z

i know i said i wont cry anymore. but i cried after reading yashie's email; just like how i cried after i read yan's email. im emotional, yes i know, yes i admit that, and im not shy about it. it's just who i am. (although sometimes i wish i didnt cry that easily, makes me dehydrated..but anyways)

some people complain that there is so little love in this world, i beg to differ. i feel so much love around me. or maybe i am just lucky. tons of people read my blog, probably 20% of them don't know me personally, and im almost certain 99% of them dont actually know what has really happened. but im touched by friends, whom despite not knowing what happened, made the effort to let me know that they are there and that they care.

im blessed. i have friends to constantly remind me of who i am. constantly reminding me not to lose myself, not to doubt myself, because i am better than that.

yesterday i was consoling a dear friend. and i told her, in times of sadness, when bad time hits, strength comes in spurts. but despite how you think you can't be strong, strength is somewhere within you, and around you. it is only when you find something that you can hold on to that you find your strength stays.

i found something that i can hold on to.
and it doesnt hurt to be optimistic (:

edit//

p.s. PLUS i've just washed some clothes. hehe im serious. washing clothes is therapeutic (: my next advice for any depressed soul - go do some handwashing!

2007-01-18T16:57:00.000Z

dave you should quit medical school and be a masseur!

and.. THANK YOU YIHCHYN FOR THE BA-KUA!!!

2007-01-18T16:49:00.000Z

terrible terrible. it's been terribly windy today.
i almost got blown away by the wind.
and no, im not exaggerating. ask trish.

im hungry.

2007-01-17T15:57:00.000Z

me!

hard at work. haha not really, im actually chatting with sheng. im quite bored really, attempting to do my critical analysis. maybe i'll pop by varsha's room. i have itchy feet (: ohyes, i like the greeeeen!

2007-01-17T13:20:00.000Z

thank you yan! (check your email too) thank you for reminding me how strong i really am, but i guess i have my moment of weakness too. sometimes when im feeling like im not that strong, i just need someone to be patient and understand, let me rant, and remind me that that moment will pass (cuz it always does).

anyway i probably have no more tears to cry. dave said the amount i've cried is probably enough to create a tsunami. i dont think he is exaggerating.

today's been a good day though. and i wore a pretty green dress that was hidden underneath my bigblackcoat, but still it made me happy. i think the weather has a part to play really. bright sun in the lovely blue sky. and i had sam and isaac to walk with me to the gym. and there were so many people i recognised at the gym. and i had isaac to walk home with, and we stopped by boots to get me some shower gel & facial wash, and greggs to get him his lunch, and we saw so many policemen&women on broomhill it was a bit weird. well.. im going to wash my clothes now (dave im serious about that washing machine) tata.

and yes yan, im gonna make it big (:

2007-01-16T21:32:00.000Z

here i am, with a tummyache that hurts like crazy, but im halfway through my apple, typing with one hand and i am reflecting. (that's what you call multi-tasking)

i just came back from a 2 hour tutorial. it was suppose to be on my Community Attachment Scheme, but somehow it seemed to be more like a self reflection tutorial. which was good, especially after my afternoon fit.

we were discussing and sharing our experiences on our home visits. and someone was sharing her experience with her patient, how her patient had spent 2 years in a foldable bed (she hasn't gone out of her house in TWO years!) and totally reliant on her husband and health care workers. she had her hip replacement removed after it got infected after her operation. inotherwords, she is hipless. and she's got arthritis.

and another patient has an amputated leg. and he has other health problems: diabetes, high blood pressure etc.
and another has dementia and arthritis. she can't remember things and she can't even hold a mug.

and my patient, she's 88, lost her husband last year, gets depressed when she misses him, has heart problems, a bad knee & mobility problems. but she's lucky, she has a neighbour who cares for her and keeps her company. besides him, she has no one else.

it's not surprising practically 80% of the patients discussed tonight were on anti-depressants. many of them are lucky to have loved ones, be it their spouses or family members, to support them and care for them - because it makes so much of a difference. and many groups today were saying how they were so touched by how some spouses showed so much love for their other halves.

and i know what they mean, the way my patient talked about her late husband, i knew she loved him a lot. and now that he is gone, she must feel really lonely..

the thing about medicine, it's not just about anatomy, physiology, pathology, histology, drugs etc etc - it's about the people (well, patients. but they are afterall.. people) and i love people. we draw so many lessons about life from other people, well at least i do. and today i am reminded of why i really want to be a doctor. im not out to save the world, but at least i know that there are things i could do to help some people have a better quality of life.

and i guess when i think about these patients, i am reminded of how blessed and lucky i am - i am healthy and i have people (family and friends) who love me.

i know having a break up isnt the end of the world, even though it might feel like it. and i have so much to say but im very bad with words (very bad is probably an understatement) and i always cry and there is something about substituting words with tears - somehow it always screws things up.

im not a super woman.

there are days i feel strong, i think positive (& fueled by the negative of the relationship that i was in) and i feel like i can move on. and then there are days where i feel like im crumbling and i miss rajeev and i miss our happy times and i remember that future with him that i looked forward to soso badly and i can't seem to find that strength that i need ohsomuch and i feel like running back. back to where it felt like home. and because i always seem to forget why our relationship has to end and i keep thinking about happy times and very ironically, because im so good at blocking out the sad side of the story, i get sad. and even when i get reminded of why we cant, shouldnt be together, it just seems so stupid. and then i feel stupid. because it is staring right there in my face, but because im so bloody stubborn im looking right through it.

perhaps im not very good at receiving disappointment, maybe that is one thing i need to learn. but it's just me. it's just me to imagine everything as 'happy ever after'. it's not that i don't know that things don't always go the way i want/plan it to be. i know life is full of disappointments, things could go wrong/not the way i want it to be. i am realistic, but i choose to be idealistic, i choose to be hopeful, that inspite of all the bad things that could happen, i see the optimistic side of life & work towards what i want and what i believe in. coz my fate is in my own hands.

dont cry over spilt milk its gonna evaporate anyway

2007-01-16T13:33:00.000Z

i am so angry with myself
i am so angry with myself
i am so angry with myself
i am so angry with myself

"correct the flaw rather than tear the entire project apart"

stop this youpotatohead.

2007-01-15T19:54:00.000Z

thankyou babes for coming to send me off! (:
hopefully shanghai trip will materialize!!
till june!

2007-01-15T19:15:00.000Z

When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand

2007-01-15T17:05:00.000Z

today as i was walking out of the gym, two guys behind me were whispering and discussing what race i was. thing is, they dont know how to whisper. i turned around and they smiled sheepishly at me. must be my hair, it has this tendency to change it's colour in different temperatures.

anyhoos. it's good to be back in sheffield. but i miss everyone back home veryvery much. after filling up two washing machines with my laundry, i felt much better. dave im serious, i want a washing machine for my birthday.

2007-01-14T22:42:00.000Z

after...

1. travelling on a 17hour flight (including a one hour stop over)

2. taking the tube for an hour (& having to carry my 20kg luggage + 10kg bagpack + 2boxes of pineappletarts + one box of almondcookies + coat up the MANY flight of stairs)

3. waiting 2 hours for my bus to sheffield to leave

4. my bus ride that was suppose to last 4 hours

5. but had to detour to the bus depot BECAUSE a window was falling off :S and we had to switch buses

6. so my bus ride ended up taking nearly 5 hours

7. taking the tram to the city = half an hour

8. taking a cab back home

I AM KNACKERED/SHATTERED/DRAINED/WHACKED. basically any word to describe exhausted. i am that.

now. i just changed my bed sheets and im going to dry my hair and it's GOODNIGHT!

2007-01-13T05:33:00.000Z

cd one track four.
listen. to my music
listen. to my heart.

"I offer what you cannot buy
Devoted love until we die" - so celine says...

2007-01-13T04:21:00.000Z

i had terrible nightmareS last night. (yes the 's' is in capitals and bold to emphasize how badly i slept yesterday) i dreamt that i saw someone dear and we were walking towards each other smiling and getting ready to embrace. and just before we could hug, that someone pulled out a knife and stabbed me (or pulled out a gun to shoot me.) terrible - especially since my dreams kept repeating themselves except in each dream, the person in front of me kept changing.

must have been that movie.

2007-01-13T04:08:00.000Z

im lucky. i have friends who make me feel loved and cherished. and they never fail to remind me that i am, actually, special.

"it's innate."

2007-01-12T02:54:00.000Z

understanding someone else is always an interesting proposition. sometimes, you may know them better than they know themselves. other times, they are a complete enigma to you. and sometimes you have to live and let live.

2007-01-12T02:44:00.000Z

alright i am a veryverysadgirl. i've been back for 3&ahalf weeks, BUT we havent met up as a group - na vian hui fen & me :( and tomorrow is gonna come too soon :(