in retrospect

i went to see an ENT specialist today. it wasn't part of my clinical attachment, it was an appointment that took me ages to get. i remember just a week ago i'd be in tears just thinking about the lumps on my neck and scaring myself (& dave) to death with all sorts of silly thoughts. and i was so sad and depressed and worried and i hated it that i didnt know what was wrong with me and it was taking ages for the doctor to see me and get my tests done.

but i realised im not that scared anymore. even when i went to the doctor today and he mentioned "lymphoma" and "laryngeal sarcoma". i was like "oh okay, that's very nice of you doctor to scare me with cancer thoughts without explaining to me what on earth is lymphoma and laryngeal sarcoma (maybe he knew i was a medical student that's why he assumed i knew what he was talking about)" but i was alright. perhaps cuz i've already scared myself enough, and there is no point scaring myself any further before knowing what's really wrong with me. and honestly, whatever the outcome, i'll take it as it comes. maybe there is nothing wrong with me!

and well while waiting for the scope, i had chat with a nice old gentleman who came to visit the doctor for a ear checkup. apparently he was told 2 weeks ago he had to wait two years for an appointment! (IM NOT KIDDING, TWOlongYEARS! that's how horridly long the wait is, how inefficient everything is, i really miss how everything is so efficient in singapore, anyway i digressed..) but he got lucky and got an appointment today and he was really sweet, he asked me what i was at the clinic for (cuz most of the patients there were senior citizens) and when i told him he said he really hopes everything will be fine with me, and he said it so earnestly i felt like giving him a nice hug. but i didnt of course. okay i digressed again.

so basically i got a scope up my nose & down my throat today. it was horrid, i dont ever want tubes going up my nose ever again. i mean it wasn't painful or anything but just imagine, a tube going up your nose :S it made me tear, i dont know, some sort of reflex action i guess. and i had to keep breathing through my mouth cuz if i breathed through my nose i'd steam up the lens on the camera and everything goes blur.

anyway despite how uncomfortable was, i was really excited (i know i am weird), because we had just finished the module on our respiratory system, and it was interesting to see the inside of my respiratory tube on the screen and see my conchae and meatus and my own voice box and see it move when i say "eeeee" and "ahhhhhh". i mean we've seen videos and pictures but it's not the same you know..

well all is normal on the inside. so now, i've got to go for a ultra sound and a biopsy. the doctor put urgent and the nurse said i'd prob get an appointment in... two weeks.

so. more waiting.

honestly, these 3 weeks are intensive clinical experience (ICE) weeks and im getting more than what i asked for.

im glad the weekend is here. i really need a break cuz im so tired. but i really wish i was a qualified doctor now, i had such a great time in the maternity wards. and today i got a treat from a consultant! he said since i was so enthusiastic he'd bring me around and teach me more, so i really learnt a lot today :D