in retrospect

here i am, with a tummyache that hurts like crazy, but im halfway through my apple, typing with one hand and i am reflecting. (that's what you call multi-tasking)

i just came back from a 2 hour tutorial. it was suppose to be on my Community Attachment Scheme, but somehow it seemed to be more like a self reflection tutorial. which was good, especially after my afternoon fit.

we were discussing and sharing our experiences on our home visits. and someone was sharing her experience with her patient, how her patient had spent 2 years in a foldable bed (she hasn't gone out of her house in TWO years!) and totally reliant on her husband and health care workers. she had her hip replacement removed after it got infected after her operation. inotherwords, she is hipless. and she's got arthritis.

and another patient has an amputated leg. and he has other health problems: diabetes, high blood pressure etc.
and another has dementia and arthritis. she can't remember things and she can't even hold a mug.

and my patient, she's 88, lost her husband last year, gets depressed when she misses him, has heart problems, a bad knee & mobility problems. but she's lucky, she has a neighbour who cares for her and keeps her company. besides him, she has no one else.

it's not surprising practically 80% of the patients discussed tonight were on anti-depressants. many of them are lucky to have loved ones, be it their spouses or family members, to support them and care for them - because it makes so much of a difference. and many groups today were saying how they were so touched by how some spouses showed so much love for their other halves.

and i know what they mean, the way my patient talked about her late husband, i knew she loved him a lot. and now that he is gone, she must feel really lonely..

the thing about medicine, it's not just about anatomy, physiology, pathology, histology, drugs etc etc - it's about the people (well, patients. but they are afterall.. people) and i love people. we draw so many lessons about life from other people, well at least i do. and today i am reminded of why i really want to be a doctor. im not out to save the world, but at least i know that there are things i could do to help some people have a better quality of life.

and i guess when i think about these patients, i am reminded of how blessed and lucky i am - i am healthy and i have people (family and friends) who love me.

i know having a break up isnt the end of the world, even though it might feel like it. and i have so much to say but im very bad with words (very bad is probably an understatement) and i always cry and there is something about substituting words with tears - somehow it always screws things up.

im not a super woman.

there are days i feel strong, i think positive (& fueled by the negative of the relationship that i was in) and i feel like i can move on. and then there are days where i feel like im crumbling and i miss rajeev and i miss our happy times and i remember that future with him that i looked forward to soso badly and i can't seem to find that strength that i need ohsomuch and i feel like running back. back to where it felt like home. and because i always seem to forget why our relationship has to end and i keep thinking about happy times and very ironically, because im so good at blocking out the sad side of the story, i get sad. and even when i get reminded of why we cant, shouldnt be together, it just seems so stupid. and then i feel stupid. because it is staring right there in my face, but because im so bloody stubborn im looking right through it.

perhaps im not very good at receiving disappointment, maybe that is one thing i need to learn. but it's just me. it's just me to imagine everything as 'happy ever after'. it's not that i don't know that things don't always go the way i want/plan it to be. i know life is full of disappointments, things could go wrong/not the way i want it to be. i am realistic, but i choose to be idealistic, i choose to be hopeful, that inspite of all the bad things that could happen, i see the optimistic side of life & work towards what i want and what i believe in. coz my fate is in my own hands.


dont cry over spilt milk its gonna evaporate anyway